God is a Little Girl Skipping Rope

Since there are so many theories about who or what God is, I thought I'd throw my theory into the mix as well.

So what is my theory? I'm glad you asked. Hint: it's the title of this post.

For the really slow among my readers I'll write it down once again:

God is a little girl skipping rope.

Every human year is equal to one revolution of the rope. So far God has skipped 2015 times and the 2016th skip is in progress.

So what about the years before the AD calendar began? That's a brilliant question! Before that time there was another God skipping rope. But then the rope got stuck to his foot and now it's the little girl's turn.

The seasons correspond to the position of the rope relative to the little girl. When the rope is at top dead center, right above God's head we get the summer equinox. At bottom dead center, under God's feet we get the winter equinox. Spring starts behind her back and the trees shed their leaves in front of her chest.

So what about global warming? Well you are just full of super intelligent questions tonight aren't you?

Well, looks like the oil company paid politicians are correct; global warming isn't caused by human action. It's a natural consequence of God's skipping. Try it yourself. Go outside and start skipping. Skip continuously till you reach 2015 skips. After that measure your temperature. Then build a time machine and go back a few minutes, or hours if you are fat, and measure your temperature before you began skipping. It increased didn't it? It didn't? Well you are not God!

This theory is just as good as any other theory about God out there. I hope you are not going to write a comment mocking this theory because it will hurt my sentiments and as we know, reason loses all power if the other person's sentiments are hurt. I might go out and protest that you recant your blasphemous comment because it mocks my God theory. I might gather some goons and burn your effigy. I might hire two masked motorcycle riders to shoot you and kill you. Because obviously if you mock my beliefs and hurt my sentiments, you don't deserve to live. Frankly I don't even know why I'm talking to you at all! What with your questions and blasphemy!

So goodbye sir/madam/sir-madam. It was nice knowing you. For a while.

What's that? You've got another question? Well alright, go ahead. One more question won't hurt my sentiment any more than you already have.

If my God is the one true God then what does she think about me and the state of humanity?

That's the first stupid question you've asked! She's just a little girl! She doesn't even know that we worship her. She's just skipping rope. For her sake leave her alone!